Jon Lester spent $47k on Miller Lite this week.
Illustration: (Getty Images)

Over the weekend, in a gesture to say thank you and nearly definitely goodbye to Cubs followers, Jon Lester provided to purchase everyone a Miller Lite at 4 bars on the Northside of Chicago. Apparently, a good portion of individuals took him up on the supply, as Lester’s tab ran to $31K, and fortunately Lester put up a 34 % tip on prime of that, taking his tab whole to $47K. As bars and eating places have been shut down from indoor eating as effectively this previous weekend to fight the pandemic spiking within the metropolis, it’s a heat gesture and introduced a smile to some patrons and servers and employees who in all probability wanted it.

But Jon, as a lot as I really like you for being the perfect free-agent signing in Cubs historical past (I do know, I can’t consider anybody beat out Eric Karros both) and being an absolute pillar for the 2016 world champs, I simply have to ask… if you have been going to blow tens of hundreds of {dollars} on suds, couldn’t you purchase everyone a good brew?

Even if you’re not from Chicago, if I informed you that every one 4 of those bars have been on Division St., you’d know precisely what sorts of bars these are. And you know that the patrons there are in all probability already ingesting Miller Lite, as they’re not far eliminated in any respect from shopping for 30-racks of them for his or her Big Ten frat home. Lesson for anybody transferring to Chicago anytime quickly, or having simply completed so: Any bar that has a Michigan State flag exterior of it’s a secret stage of hell and at least 75 % of the male patrons in there have Rohypnol on their particular person. Science truth.

These bars are mainly the nexus of every part that’s incorrect on this nation right this moment, crammed with younger, white, prosperous, aloof dickbags who know all of the phrases to not more than two Lizzo songs and likewise assume each societal downside is simply an impediment to their fantasy soccer crew’s efficiency. It’s at these bars that Travis will meet Karen, and so they’ll get engaged eight months later as a result of they’ll’t work out what else to do, and their wedding ceremony photos can be their Facebook profile image till the day they’ll exchange that with photos of their boring and surprisingly weird-looking children Cavan and Imogen. And after these two mouths are born, that’s after they get protecting of their property values and faculties, that’s in the event that they don’t fuck off to Winnetka for “safety” as a result of a Black man occurred to stroll down the road as soon as, and help all of the insurance policies that hold this metropolis, and plenty of prefer it, segregated and catering to them solely.

So I perceive that these individuals don’t care whether or not it’s a free Miller Lite or a good beer from a neighborhood brewery that would use the increase far more. They don’t see the distinction. Jon Lester hasn’t put far more thought into beer than I have into The Masked Singer, and he hangs out in locations the place that’s true of everyone there.

But nonetheless, any one of many plethora of fantastic native breweries right here may have used the publicity, and possibly, extra importantly, getting a free Apex Predator from Off Color, or a Dynamo from Metropolitan, or a Blonde from Begyle would possibly have opened simply one of many lovely individuals’s eyes and world. Maybe they might have seen there’s extra to the world than the beer you can drink most of earlier than pissing in your girlfriend’s curtains, or SNL hosted by John Mulaney, or just taking a job at dad’s pal’s brokerage. And in there, in that awakening, actual change is feasible. Nothing will change on this place if we don’t begin demanding higher than mass-produced bilge that simply occurs to be most cost-effective and out there and essentially the most marketed. We will be extra. We have to be extra.

Fuck, you may have made it a good low cost beer, Jon! A Coors Banquet or High Life and even native treasure like goddamn Old Style! You don’t have to rock the designer shit! But Miller Lite? Saying Miller Lite is your favourite beer is saying your favourite meals is Burger King or your favourite band is Bon Jovi. Not solely is it a misplaced alternative, however there are superior low-level choices inside attain. You’re settling for dung and calling it a present.

I acknowledge that Jon comes from a spot the place they don’t actually care concerning the beer previous it being open and chilly. And I’m certain there’s a protracted treatise about how Southerners may discover an accord with the yuppies from the North they mock and hate a lot in that they each drink the identical swill and deride those that really care about their beer. But that’s for another person to do.

And let’s face it, you can get a free Miller Lite anytime you need. Just run a ladle into your rest room. This was a misplaced alternative. 

Sam Fels –

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